JOHANNESBURG. Italian sports-car manufacturer Maserati has described as “groundbreaking and chassis-bending” reports that Khulubuse Zuma, who has his own gravitational field, was allegedly clocked at 181kmh in his convertible on the weekend. Meanwhile President Zuma’s nephew has defended his driving, saying his was practising for when the workers wise up and he has to get the hell out of Dodge.

Mr Zuma was reportedly a taxi-driver before he became a mining magnate (a leap not considered unusual in Limpopo), and his former mentor, veteran taxi-aimer, Skidmarks Bhudu, said he still remembers young Khulubuse fondly.

“Days were dark and friends were few,” Bhudu told journalists as he expertly manoeuvred a taxi into vacant pedestrian. “He was a dream lover for the industry. We all knew he was going to be a Golden Banana one day.”

Zuma was to lose his boyish figure in a tragic altercation with a hamburger, but since then he has dealt bravely with his imposing bulk by sitting down as often as he can, and employing highly-tuned Italian V8 engines to move him from location to location.

This morning his spokesman, Deepfried Shisanyama, defended the alleged 181kmh joyride, saying that Zuma had merely been practicing an “emergency strategic high-speed relocation”.

“At some point the worker-comrades are going to be indoctrinated by vile Western ideas like ‘money’ and ‘salaries’, and are going to stop being content to live off dust that they scratch with a stick from the ground,” explained Shisanyama. “And when that happens, we don’t want to be around.”

Maserati, the makers of Zuma’s convertible, say they are “thrilled beyond their wildest dreams” at the news, saying that they never expected their cars to hold up under that kind of strain.

“We only test our top-end models with top-end models,” explained engineer Fellatio Cornucopia. “22 years old, forty kilos, D-cups. You know, standard dummies.”

He thanks Mr Zuma for taking Maserati into a “brave new world of high-speed transport for the planetoidally-proportioned”.

Meanwhile the South African government has slammed the media attention given to Zuma’s speeding infraction.

“Why do you people launch these personal attacks on high-profile individuals just to taint the reputation of Government?” demanded spokesman Incredulus February.

When it was put to him that high-profile individuals were already tainting the reputation of Government by personally attacking the wellbeing of their poverty-stricken workers or voters, February said that the government “will not be coerced into debating with people who are able to debate,” and stormed out.

Angry gays say Zwelithini is more of a queen than a king
CAPE TOWN. Outraged homosexuals and people who have passed grade three have hit out at King Goodwill Zwelithini following a speech in which he described gays as being rotten. One critic of the king suggested that Zwelithini was probably well placed to comment, saying that a grown man who dressed in leopard print skirts, feather hats, elaborate beaded necklaces and who surrounded himself with half naked warriors was probably more of a queen than a king anyway.

Zwelithini, who has married five different women, reportedly to remind himself that he prefers girls to boys, has also fathered upward of 27 children, a fact experts say must mean that he has had sex with a woman at least 27 times.

But they were quick to point out that, despite his virility and his predilection for looking at teenage girls in grass skirts, Zwelithini was still inclined to wear outfits that even Elizabeth Taylor would not be caught dead in.

“It doesn’t necessarily mean anything,” said sex expert Zinza Wonderland. “He’s probably just one of those artistic men who likes to dress up and hang out. You know, like Elton John or Italians.”

Asked how the King knew that gay people were rotten, Wonderland said it was usually quite easy to tell, provided that you knew what to look for.

“It’s a bit like buying a mango or a paw-paw,” he said. “You’ve got to finger the fruit.

“It mustn’t be too hard, but it mustn’t be soft either,” he said, before adding, “If you are in any doubt a firm poke is the way to go.”

Meanwhile royal courtier, Chelmsford Mabena, said that the King shouldn’t be blamed for his statements on the weekend.

“He was frustrated by not being allowed to condemn criminals to be eaten by hyenas,” said Mabena, who added that Zwelithini had realised being king of the Zulu nation was “not all that”.

“In Shaka’s day the King could do whatever he wanted and nobody said anything,” said Mabena.

“Now even the gays hit back. It’s like there are no benefits to being king anymore.”

He added that while the King’s comments were controversial, they were definitely grounded in reality. “If God had meant for men to like men he would have sent boys to queue for the reed dance.”

Mabena would neither confirm nor deny suggestions that Zwelithini was considering abdicating in order to take up a position as King of Uganda.

Union: Eastern Cape teacher go-slow too much like work as usual
BHISHO. Teachers’ union SADTU has slammed the poor quality of the go-slow underway in the Eastern Cape, saying that some teachers are working “almost as fast as snails” in direct violation of SADTU’s call that they work “as fast as bricks”. Meanwhile physicists say they may have witnessed another violation, this time of the Law of Conservation of Momentum, as some teachers cease to move even on a molecular level.

Furious SADTU spokescommisar, Gaudeamus Gwede, said that he had been shocked by the behaviour of Eastern Cape teachers he had observed this week.

“They arrive any time between small break and lunch, sleep under their desks, and then send a learner to buy then chips and a Stoney from the corner cafe,” fumed Gwede. “What the hell are these brown-nosing overachievers trying to prove?”

He said that SADTU had instructed all teachers in the province to conduct teaching at specially sanctioned “coma speed”, but added that “some of these Dead Poets Society speed-freaks are clearly teaching at a snail’s pace”.

School principal Gestetner Twala defended his staff, however, saying that they were fully committed to slowing to “barnacle speed”.

“I know that to the casual observer, say, a school inspector pausing at our window before we throw bricks at him, the go-slow looks like teaching as per normal,” he explained. “But we’ve actually taken major strides backwards since the start of the mass action.”

Twala revealed that he had reduced the number of random beatings meted out to learners, and had enforced slightly lower than normal blood alcohol levels in his staff, “to get their metabolisms to slow down”.

SADTU’s Gwede acknowledged these efforts, but said that if teachers were going to reach the level of glacial slowness required for them to be truly revolutionary, they would have to “go deep inside their comfort zone”, possibly learning ancient Buddhist techniques of slowing their heart rate through intense meditation, “or intense ingestion of Stoney”.

Asked what learners thought about the go-slow, Gwede said, “What do the who think? This is about education, fool! Why are you talking about children?”

Meanwhile, scientists at the nearby University of Fort Hare are reportedly thrilled at the possibility that the go-slow may be the first ever observed violation of the Law of Conservation of Momentum.

“Basically, the law states that any body, if acted upon by a large enough force, will move in the direction of that force,” explained Dr Sagan Mbuli. “But what we’ve seen over the past few days is a total cessation of movement, even at the molecular level, of SADTU members.

“Even the full weight of responsibility for the future of the country’s youth pressing against them has failed to propel them into any kind of movement.”

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