Zuma to step down as President

Zuma to step down as President, will be Malema’s bondage gimp

PRETORIA. President Jacob Zuma has confirmed that he is no longer in control of either South Africa or the ANC, and will officially hand over power to Julius Malema as soon as he has been measured by a tailor for a new vinyl gimp suit complete with gag-ball, zip-on hood and removable chaps for easy-access spanking by Malema.

Zuma’s leadership has been in doubt for much of his presidency, but in recent months it has become increasingly clear that he is incapable of making any decisions beyond whether or not to impregnate people.

The crisis came to a startling climax last night during Malema’s disciplinary hearing.

According to insiders, Malema responded to charges that he had brought the party into disrepute by producing a riding-crop from his trousers, bending a startled Zuma over his desk and whipping his buttocks until the President “cried like a little girl who didn’t enjoy it and who doesn’t want to stay for breakfast”.

Zuma was reportedly “shocked by not unmoved” by the spanking, and just minutes later announced his plan to step down as President so that he could become Malema’s full-time “gimp bitch”.

This morning Zuma’s spokesman, Whiplash Phoza, said that Zuma’s “heart was no longer in it”.

“He loved all the singing and the dancing and what-what,” explained Phoza. “But then people kept killing his buzz with demands about service delivery and crime prevention.

“What’s the point of being President if you can’t just kick back with your honeys and your Cristal and make like it’s the Congo in 1975?”

He confirmed that Zuma would be fitted for a gimp suit today and that he might receive his first official spanking from Malema as soon as this evening.

Meanwhile Malema has welcomed the findings of the disciplinary hearing, saying that the only thing he has brought into disrepute is “Zuma’s ass”.

He added that he had been running the country for the last six months so taking over the Presidency would not be too big an adjustment.

“At this historic time I would like to quote the last president of the United Bastard States of Homosexual America, Jacob F. Kennedy,” said Malema.

“Ask not what your country can do for you, but rather ask how furry your leopard-skin fez is, and how many guns you have in the presidential compound, and how discreet the Swiss banks are,” he said.

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